I read somewhere that, besides realizing your ideas, risking projects and dreams and being quick to execute, there is another different thing that “successful” people (whatever that means to you) do: they ask for help when need.
The rationale here is: getting ideas and opinions from other people can help us expand our own mind and reach other levels of development more quickly.
But what most of us have in common is that we hesitate when asking for help when faced with some type of challenge or difficulty, whether at work, in parenthood, in managing our relationships or in our health and well-being. I know I have often hesitated to ask for help in these various areas.
And when I say “I hesitated”, it’s not such a distant past. Very recently, I put off going to a nutrition appointment that I needed for months. I had the contact and I just had to make an appointment, but I didn’t prioritize it, even though I knew it would help me.
And why is it so difficult for us to ask for the help we need?
There will be several reasons, such as:
…we feel that we are not supposed to need outside help;
…fear of not actually being able to get the help (the results) we would like;
…fear of being judged, seen as incapable or incompetent by others;
…perfectionism and thinking that things are only done well if we do them ourselves;
…not wanting to be a burden to others;
…and a host of many others…!
But in this newsletter, I’d like to share the two reasons I frequently encounter, taking into consideration not only my individual experience but also that of my coaching clients.
The first is the fact that, most of the time, we are completely overwhelmed in our daily lives, solving everything that life throws at us: drowning in deadlines at work, taking care of our children (sometimes our parents), managing logistics and meet several different requests at the same time.
We may even recognize that asking for help in some of these situations could be helpful (especially if it magically appeared), but the mere thought of adding something else to our to-do list is enough to send us into a tailspin.
Regarding the nutrition consultation, the thought about the time it would take me to a) schedule the appointment, b) take an afternoon to go to the office and c) take two hours to do the initial assessment was the reason that made me postpone this step months on end, because, I thought, it would be completely disruptive in the midst of all the emergencies I had at hand.
And I’ll confess: I didn’t really feel like investing that money either, especially after all the expenses spent on the start of the school year, on school supplies for the kids and other necessary things (not to mention my computer being ruined… .
The problem is that, when we focus on the cost of resorting to some type of help, we lose sight of another cost, usually much higher: that of keeping things as they are.
In my case, not investing time and money in a nutrition consultation means I continue to be unable to optimize my energy throughout the day and reach the end of the day exhausted. Specifically, it is costing me less productivity at work and a lack of patience with the children at the end of the day – interestingly, two of the biggest success factors for me: feeling fulfilled in my profession and being a present mother for my children.
I see the same kind of dynamics in the lives of my clients in leadership positions. Sometimes, they do not delegate certain tasks to other team members because they are unable to prioritize the time to train them or even to proceed with situation assessments to address existing problems, and end up concluding that it is more effective for them to take on the tasks and resolution of situations. Which may even be true, right away. But, over time, this will only increase the team’s level of dependence and worsen the lack of time and fatigue they already feel.
The other situation that makes us hesitant to ask for help, which I also see frequently, is related to feeling like we have to prove ourselves, which implies that we feel like we don’t deserve to be helped. We think we’re supposed to fend for ourselves. Or we feel that others might see us as less capable, less competent, or insufficient in some way if we are unable to resolve situations for ourselves.
Unfortunately, this idea is common and is instilled in us socially and culturally by a paradigm of competitiveness that tells us that we have to deserve our success, demonstrating our ability to achieve it alone, as a result of our hard work.
Don’t get me wrong: striving to achieve what we want is great, but the idea that we must do it alone and that it has to be suffered to be deserved is a misleading fabrication.
And this is precisely what successful people know and what prevents them from getting caught up in these erroneous conceptions (or nonsense, to use a more precise term) of our culture. What they actually do differently is give themselves permission to get the support they need because they are aware of their intrinsic value and that they are worthy of that help. They still know that the path to success doesn’t necessarily have to mean blood, sweat, tears… and loneliness.
What successful people understand is that asking for help is not synonymous with weakness, but with humility and courage. Humility because it implies recognizing our human condition, accepting that we all have blind spots, limitations and imperfections. And, as such, we recognize that other people can support us in strengthening certain aspects of ourselves.
And courage because it actually implies an act of rebellion against the dominant paradigm by assuming our value as inherent to us, so it doesn’t need to be conquered. And, therefore, we know that we deserve to be helped and that we are allowed to access more lightness in our journey.
Above all, in all the times I hesitated to reach out for help, I wish someone had shared these two simple truths with me:
a) If I want to achieve better results in a sustainable way, even if I feel overwhelmed by deadlines and tasks, it is worth facing the discomfort of investing some additional time and/or money, in the short term, to create the conditions so that, in the medium term, I can enjoy this qualitative leap in my life;
b) Asking for help does not mean that I have less value, that I am inept or incapable. On the contrary, it is precisely because I recognize the humanity in myself and my worth that I know I deserve to be helped and to make my process easier. We all deserve it.
If we are truly committed to being successful, that is, achieving the goals that are important to us in a more sustainable and effective way, then we must become proficient at asking for help.
I haven’t had my nutrition appointment yet, but it’s already scheduled and I’m ready for a new stage of self-care and improvement.
And you? How might you be delaying or compromising your success by not giving yourself permission to ask for help in some area of your life where that help would really help you?
And, in fact, what would change in your lives if you made a commitment, even if only for the next week, to become true masters in the art of asking for help (whether in a situation that is consuming your energy at work, managing the various logistics of the house and children, or finding more lightness in some other challenge)?