Anyone who knows me knows that I consider myself a recovering perfectionist. This means that I have strong tendencies towards perfectionism and need to monitor my behavior on a regular basis to ensure that when I am slipping back into perfectionism, I identify the situation and make the necessary readjustments.
Being a perfectionist implies that we will never be satisfied with our results, no matter how good they are, because they do not reach perfection.
After all, how could they, if such a thing doesn’t even exist?
In my life, perfectionism manifested itself mainly at work, in the need to prove my worth and in excessive work cycles, meticulous attention to detail, accumulation of responsibilities, saying ‘yes’ to everything, anxiety, feeling that I had to do everything alone and could not express the need to need help.
Do you recognize any of these tendencies in yourself? If so, you’re probably thinking: “so, Isa, what’s wrong with wanting to do my best?”
Ohhh, yes… I thought exactly like that.
Perfectionism is often confused with wanting to do our best. Wanting to do our best is wonderful and simply implies that we are committed to a certain level of excellence, pride, etc.
Now, perfectionism is not a commitment to excellence. On the contrary. It’s toxic.
When perfectionism is our driving force, everything we do always falls short. This means that our achievements and successes are never internalized. Additionally, we feel inclined to demand more and more from ourselves, to achieve that feeling of success. But it never arrives…
An important fact is this: if we associate our competence with perfection, we will always, always be lacking.
How many of you have felt or thought this about yourselves:
➡️ If I make a mistake, I am seen as incompetent.
➡️ Nothing less than perfect is satisfactory.
➡️ If I’m really smart, I’m supposed to have all the knowledge necessary to perform this task right now.
➡️ If I can do everything, as best and as quickly as possible [whatever we have at hand], I won’t be seen as someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing or who is lacking in some way.
…or generally have one of the tendencies described below:
️▶️ Your professional performance is driven by the need to demonstrate your value;
️▶️ Your to-do list is usually loooooong;
▶️ You pay extreme attention to details, find it difficult to delegate and ‘disconnect’ from work;
▶️ Your thoughts often slip into “I have to” or “I can’t”: I have to do everything myself, I have to meet this deadline, I can’t make any mistakes.
▶️ When you receive a compliment, you tend to attribute your performance to some external factor, such as luck, the task not being “that difficult” or just being part of your “duties”.
If you find yourself stuck in any of these perfectionist tendencies, recognize that you may not be giving yourself enough credit for your achievements and successes.
Oh, and don’t be fooled, because perfectionism also often appears disguised as procrastination. Especially when we want to write the perfect post and we choose to postpone and not send it because we think it’s not yet at the level we want (this one had already been half-written for more than 10 days).
And this is precisely the problem with perfectionism because, more often than not, it implies:
…additional time to complete tasks;
…we choose not to do something for fear that the result will not meet our expectations;
…we choose not to do something for fear of the possible criticism we may receive;
…not using our time in the best way, ending up neglecting important things (for example, time for family, taking better care of ourselves, etc.);
…we boycott efforts that could otherwise be very helpful to others (if I don’t send this newsletter because I’m stuck with needing it to be perfect, do you see what you could be missing? )
Joking aside, perfectionism can actually block us and prevent us from being truly helpful to others, because we are so focused on our “perfect” end result that the inactivity that ensues can even make it impossible for others to benefit from whatever we are doing, creating.
The good news is that these cycles don’t have to last forever. We can learn and implement strategies to help shift our focus away from perfectionism and function more healthily in our relationships with ourselves and others.
I share three strategies I use with my coaching clients that help break these perfectionistic rumination cycles.
1) Self-awareness
It all starts with a good dose of awareness. To develop greater self-awareness around our perfectionist tendencies, we can answer these questions (if you like writing, try doing it in writing):
️▶ What is my perfectionism trying to protect me from?
In my recent interview with the Páginas Com Graça podcast, I explain how my perfectionism was an armor to hide parts of my life that I didn’t want others to discover, like the fact that my mother committed suicide when I was 9 years old. Oftentimes, our perfectionism stems from parts of ourselves that we don’t accept or want to hide because they make us feel vulnerable.
▶️ What am I giving up because of my perfectionism?
Think about the costs of your perfectionism: those related to time management and the things you may be giving up. And, also, the missed opportunities: what is the object of procrastination and which could be useful to others (and also to you).
Additionally, answer the question:
Do I want this to be perfect or useful?
The answers to these questions can bring you greater clarity into how these perfectionist tendencies may be boycotting your personal and professional life.
2) Self-compassion
When we tend towards perfectionism, the negative messages that we repeat to ourselves until exhaustion will reinforce feelings of insufficiency, of lack of confidence, of not feeling like we belong in the places where we are. One way to combat this is to answer the following question:
️▶ What would you say to your best friend if they were in the same situation as you?
Remember: being imperfect is what makes us human beings. One of the best antidotes to perfectionism is to develop our self-compassion.
3) Recognize your successes
Sometimes we are so committed to doing, doing, doing and producing, producing, producing, that we forget to take mental note of the things we learn, the things we evolve in, and our achievements and successes.
Try the following exercise: think about the last five years of your life and write down all the things you didn’t know how to do and learned before, all the achievements. Write on the computer or in a notebook and always have it at hand. When a hint of self-doubt arises, read it and use it to remember what you are truly capable of!
Of course, overcoming perfectionism doesn’t happen overnight. Because these tendencies come from some episode in our lives, in which, for example, we felt invalidated, rejected or experienced shame – and they became recorded in our programming. Naturally, each person will have their own path of discovery to follow. But these exercises can be a good start!
Of these three strategies, which one resonates most with you and are you willing to put it into practice today?