Hahaha, I love this phrase by Ram Dass!
No matter how many steps we have climbed on the ladder of our development, family will always be that group of special people that we adore with all our hearts and, at the same time, take us seriously in 5 seconds and make us short-circuit. Which makes sense. All things considered, they were the ones who installed our “electrical system”.
I don’t know anyone on this planet who has never had tension with family members, in one way or another…
And it’s that time of year when there are celebrations and dinners with family and friends and when, before we realize it, we are reacting on impulse and in a negative way to old comments or dynamics. Who never?
Be innocent but nosy questions like “so when will they have kids?” or already almost calcified resentments, whether political comments we disagree with or the hot topic of the moment about whether or not we should vaccinate children… The topics may be diverse, but they have the same thing in common: making us EXTREMELY uncomfortable (so as not to say on the verge of a nervous breakdown!)
Thinking about these situations, I decided to share a manual on how to survive the festivities with family or friends.
Here it goes, in 7 points:
🎁 PLAN
Let’s see: Christmas happens every year, right? During the pandemic, we have had slightly different Christmases, but we will probably all be with our closest family and we can imagine in advance what divisive themes or conflicts typically arise at family gatherings.
Therefore, we can plan how we want to react in advance, so as not to be caught “in the heat of the moment” and regret what we said later.
Often, the answer may be to just take a deep breath and not let ourselves get involved in situations.
🎁 SET REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
It’s just a Christmas dinner or lunch. This is not exactly the time for complex discussions or trying to solve the world’s problems at the table. We are also not going to solve the dysfunction that has lasted for years together.
So, it’s better to align ourselves with realistic expectations: we won’t change anyone during Christmas dinner, nor convince anyone of anything (seriously: they won’t make Uncle Jacinto stop believing that vaccines are a plot to control our minds).
🎁 DO NOT PERSONALIZE
When we feel like our calm is about to be robbed by someone’s words, a good trick is not to personalize the situation. The best phrase about this is: it’s not about you. Because most of the time, it really isn’t.
The way others act and behave is a reflection of how they feel and has nothing to do with us. Even if it seems impossible, it’s good to try not to take comments that we feel are unpleasant personally.
🎁 FOCUS ON GRATITUDE
Nowadays we see this word everywhere, but the truth is that the practice of gratitude is powerful (and for the most skeptical there is a lot of evidence in this field).
A good gratitude exercise for the festivities is the following: observe that member of your family who is annoying you and try to identify at least one positive aspect about him or her or a reason to feel grateful that this person exists in your lives.
I know you will be tempted to say “nonsense”, but come on, try. You’ll see that it’s worth it. Because when we focus on the positive characteristics of others, we make magic in the way we interact with them.
And the truth is: even those with whom we have a more tense relationship have taught us something important or contributed, in some way, to our growth.
🎁 SET LIMITS
The ‘L’ word. Limits. When we do planning (point 1), we must clearly define our limits. They can be of a diverse nature: conversations we don’t want to participate in, questions we don’t want to answer, or, given the current pandemic situation, deciding we don’t want to meet with anyone who doesn’t test themselves first.
We tend to think that whenever someone asks us a question or throws us a topic of discussion, we have to get involved. Is not true. We can always decide to refrain from participating in an interaction that we do not consider productive or positive.
Whenever necessary, we must communicate to others what our limits are, with empathy and kindness (of course!).
🎁 WATCH A MOVIE
Here at home we love having Christmas movie marathons. Really corny ones, including those produced by Hallmark. Shameless! They are light films, whose script revolves around the Christmas spirit and important things. Even though they are low budget and the actors may be complete strangers, they serve to remind us of what really matters and infect everyone with the right spirit and values.
🎁 REFLECT AND CELEBRATE
When everything is over – lunch, dinner or get-togethers – and everyone is back to their usual routine, be sure to celebrate the way they managed the less comfortable situations, as best they could.
Also think about what went less well and what you can improve in the future so that everyone can enjoy a better time together. And remember to do this in a spirit of curiosity and learning, not judgment.
✨
Family relationships are typically the most complicated ones we have to navigate. But the truth is that we can respect and love our family and at the same time take good care of ourselves and consider our own needs.
Wherever you go, with a lot or little family, don’t forget that special guest this Christmas: your inner peace!
I hope you have a wonderful holiday season! 🎄