When we feel more tired or frustrated with a specific situation, it is natural for our defense mechanism to be activated more intensely.
The last few weeks have been a bit chaotic and I feel much more reactive and defensive. Sometimes a simple word, suggestion, or even well-meaning criticism from someone feels like a personal attack.
In these moments, I try to remember the following phrase: “Don’t feel attacked.” This thought is useful because it helps our brain bypass the instinctive way it processes the feeling of being under threat.
The amygdala, the part of our brain that scientists believe is related to the fight or flight responses in dangerous situations, is activated. This is a very useful survival response, but when it occurs in the wrong circumstances (i.e. when we are not actually in danger), it can cause us to react inappropriately by saying or doing things that we later regret.
But, Isa, with attention and effort, we can train ourselves to respond more consciously, which allows us to better manage our emotions and establish more balanced and healthy relationships with others.
Mindful communication involves observing and listening with curiosity rather than judgment, and it involves mutually sharing perspectives. It is a healthy form of communication that prevents conflicts and resentment.
For example, let’s imagine that we are team leaders and someone criticizes us: “I would like you to consider the impact of your decisions on the rest of the team!”
A defensive response might be something like, “You can’t even imagine! I’ve pondered this decision for weeks. You’re not the only person on this team, you know?”
Alternatively, a more conscious response could be, “I didn’t know you felt that way. What do you think I could do to feel more included in decisions?”
And that colleague might respond, “I would like you to talk to me and listen to me first.”
Our immediate reaction might be to become defensive and start listing all the times we asked for feedback from our team and listened to it. But mindful communication involves returning to the question from genuine curiosity rather than judgment: “How do you think we could have this conversation? In a group? Individually? What do you suggest?”
As this imaginary conversation progresses, we discover things we were unaware of, such as established cultural patterns, the lack of habit of listening to teams or repeated mistakes in management decisions.
By gaining more information about the situation, we not only help that particular colleague feel heard and valued, but we also have the opportunity to change the culture and break a vicious cycle of repeated mistakes.
If we had acted defensively, we would never have had the opportunity to delve deeper into the situation, listen to the parties involved, learn from our mistakes and institute changes.
A simple change in the way we react, a reminder to “not feel attacked,” can change the direction of a conversation, making it collaborative.
Remember: in leadership roles, we have the authority to make decisions, but their success ultimately depends on the people who implement them. So, the next time you are the target of a comment or suggestion, don’t feel attacked. Alternatively, focus on curious inquiry, listening and understanding.
P.S.: Although I used a work-related example, this communication structure applies to any type of relationship. Just remember to inquire, listen and understand.